Right Now I Hate Everything…Even Myself.

 

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve had the pleasure to sit down and type out my thoughts in blog form.  I tell myself it’s because I have my hands full, but if I’m being honest with myself, that’s not true. It’s because I feel, well,….stuck.

I know I’m not the only one out there experiencing these feelings that seem to keep me stuck.  Some days I want to shout from the rooftops and yell “HELP! IS ANYBODY OUT THERE!?”  And other days I just freeze up and stay in a somewhat numb state, telling myself “I can’t handle this anymore!” I start to sulk and play the victim with lines like “this was supposed to be such a wonderful, memorable time with my first born baby girl and it’s all so terrible!”

I’ve often taken on the attitude of “I hate everything.”…. “I hate the news. I hate the virus. I hate the masks. I hate social media. I hate the President. I hate Joe Biden. I hate conservatives. I hate liberals. I hate the world. I hate the movements. I hate what people think. In fact, I’m starting to hate people as a whole and even hate myself.”

This is SO uncharacteristic of me.  I love people. I love peace. I love joy. It’s where I thrive. And yet here I am, full of hate.  In times of uncertainty I’m supposed to turn to God (which I do in the morning and sometimes other times as well.)  But I’ve been turning to so many other things when my heart has gotten uncertain.

(There it is folks!)

I start turning to my phone, the news, social media etc. when I feel unsatisfied and there I find myself filling my mind with worthless garbage and then guess what comes out of me? Garbage!  It’s funny because I tell my kids that “what goes in must come out. So don’t fill your mind or your ears with crap TV and music.” And here I am, a full on hypocrite.

It’s this awful internal battle happening when I see what’s happening and I want to yell to people God’s truth (especially on social media) and I forget that some people just don’t want to hear it.

I learned a new verse this week, not just in reading but by experiencing. Oh isn’t that the most painful of all teachers? It says this…”Don’t give that which is holy to the dogs, neither throw your pearls before the pigs, lest perhaps they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” (Matthew 7:6.) Jesus appears to be warning his disciples to preach only before receptive audiences.

Ouch! My audience surely was NOT receptive. I threw my pearls of wisdom to pigs and boy did they tear me to pieces!  So not only was I already feeling burdened because of what we are experiencing, I then was burdened because of the persecution I received.

There’s a good lesson here.  I kept lying to myself… or maybe it was satan (still not sure.)  But basically I was fooling myself to believe that persecution comes with the territory of being a Christian, so I kept putting myself out there.  And while it is true, we will be persecuted for our faith, it doesn’t mean we preach to those that never wanted to hear it in the first place.  Jesus and his disciples spoke to those that came to them with an open heart, seeking answers. We can plant a seed but not a whole sermon unless it’s asked of us.

I pray that my failure leads to you not making the same mistake.  Learn from me.

So with this post, I vow to do better. I vow to fill up on what is good!! Those things that are really good for my soul.  Bible time and coffee. My babies giggles. Watering my garden. Calling a friend.  Facetiming my parents. Lighting a delicious candle and just sitting in my favorite space with a book.  Making a good salad. Doing an awesome workout. Taking a walk and looking at the birds and the flowers and trees.  Sitting outside at night starting at the moon and the stars…..

My soul needs this reminder: while we are in these uncertain times, there is one thing we can be certain of: “God is Good, ALL.THE.TIME!”

God bless you and keep you. May his face shine upon you and be gracious to you… as He is and has always been to me.

XOXO

PS. If you are like me and you’re feeling a little more persecuted then normal then our next virtual study is the study for you. We will put on the “Armor of God.” We start this coming Monday the 10th.
Yearly Membership: $10 click here to join

Protest From Home

Oh my heart the last few weeks! This feels like an uphill battle. But in all my questioning and confusion, it was clear to me that it’s a battle I shouldn’t ignore. And not just shouldn’t ignore but CAN’T ignore.  I went to bed thinking about my babies and wondered what the world would look like for them when they grow up.  It scared me honestly.  Until I realized,“the world will look the way we tell them it looks.” 

The world our children will live in, largely depends on us. From what we say to what we don’t say. Do we make it comfortable for them to ask questions or do we tip toe around the hard stuff?

I didn’t want to simply throw up a black square on my instagram and say “I’m muted so you can talk.”  But instead I wanted to start the conversation- like a real conversation and get responses.  “What can I do today to make the world a better place?” And the overwhelming response was “teach our children.”  So while some are in the streets protesting, I’m vowing to protest from home.  I’m doing it for my children and all God’s children. No matter what you believe, I think we can all agree that this world could look a whole lot better and a whole lot more loving.

Here’s How I’m Moving Forward:

I asked a beautiful black friend of mine “how can we change the way the next generation will think and act when it comes to race? I told her I don’t want my children to live in a world that displays so much hate and anger. And this is what she said:

“Don’t make it weird. I feel like it’s still weird in 2020 to have all colors in the home. Meaning, have black baby dolls in your home, read them stories with black characters, watch movies with them in it. This will show them that you love all colors of skin. Show them that it’s not taboo. Let them know we are different in color but love is love and you can love and appreciate everybody.”

It’s so important to pray but we have to put some action behind it. We have to solve the problem for our children and our children’s children.  We have a huge responsibility in this. God made each and everyone of us for His glory.  And I want to glorify that within these four walls.

Here are some books that we can buy our children to bridge the gap more and more.

I snagged all 4.

From the Heart, to My Followers and Friends

 

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things.” -Philippians 4-8

Those things: true, noble, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy.
Those are the things that shine in a dark world. And I for one, would like to be that light.

But I have to admit, though in some areas of my life I am, other areas I am not. And one in particular has had me “stuck” for quite some time. Satan has a way of taking something good and making us just FREEZE so we don’t pursue or continue where God wants us.

That has been my story the last couple years as it pertains to my work. I’ve had this blog for quite some time. I branched out trying different things with it and many times I’ve found myself quitting. Oh hello again satan. Whether it was make-up, fitness, fashion, faith groups etc. I denied my own truth and froze. I questioned myself, overanalyzed, over-spiritualized and overwhelmed myself with it to the point that I just wouldn’t do anything. I lost my light.

But I’m writing this with firm conviction to say “I’m done with that.” I’m done letting satan as well as the opinions of others tell me who and how God created me to be.

Who am I?

Ever since I was little, I loved to make things beautiful. Whether it was words on paper, a bedroom, a melody, hair, make-up, clothes… I loved to make all things “lovely”. And I loved to look at them too. I think that’s why I love this Bible verse that I started the post out with so much. It’s just part of the way God fashioned me. And it doesn’t surprise me because when I read that I am created in the “image and likeness” of God, I think about how beautiful he made the sunsets, the gardens, the birds to fly in the skies and the leaves that blow subtly in the spring. He loves to make things lovely too and that is where in my own spiritual life I’ve seen His glory even when I wasn’t following him.

What does this have to do with my work?

Well, what was getting me stuck was that I was denying how God made me. I was believing that fashion, home decor, make up and pretty things were sinful. But with much prayer, spiritual maturity and soul searching, I’ve come to understand that such things are not sinful unless they are your treasure, placed before God or causing sin in your life. I know who I am as a woman of God. His love and my love for Him will always be my first. Fashion, make up, and home decor is a place I express myself but it has never had my heart. Only Jesus. I also don’t break the bank and cause sin in my life and strain on my family by living beyond our means loving on those lovely things either!

So? What’s my point?

I have to be me. It’s way more than “ok” to be who God created me to be. In fact, that’s what He’s called me be. I am purposefully made. He made me and loves me PERSONALLY. What a wonderful thought when I’m just one in a million.
So in saying that, “me” is a girl that loves Jesus first, her husband, her kids and then all things lovely.

I felt so strained to just share about my faith and deny my passions that I missed out on connecting with women that didn’t even know they needed Jesus.

If I just share my faith with those that already are following Jesus, then I miss out on all those beautiful women that don’t know how deep God’s love runs for them! In fact, I was one of those girls. I needed someone that I related to to show me Jesus.
But by denying some of the the things I love, many women that love the same things didn’t stop to read or connect with me because Jesus just wasn’t on their radar.

What you can expect from now on:

It’s all about my testimony and this is how I will share mine. This is my mission field and Jesus is my boss.

You’ll see:
•A weekly faith post called “Clothe Yourself with Strength and Dignity.”

•A weekly post about “Fabulous Finds”- which are awesome deals and me styling “all things lovely”

And lastly (but not least),

•A monthly blog post about a devotion or study I’m loving and how you can hop into my next online faith group to study with us.

This is to serve YOU:

So if you’re a woman, wife or mom that stays up at night thinking how you can be better but also leave a legacy then this is for you.

If you enjoy deep, inspirational content and have a desire to be spiritually fed and reminded that YOU HAVE A PURPOSE then this is for you.

If you love style, deals, your kids, your home and even a little bit of humor. Then this is for you:

I aim to inspire trust, friendship and community as well as purpose and worthiness!

If this floats your boat I’d love for you to SUBSCRIBE to the blog now and follow me on Instagram and the @liketoknowit app!