Picture this: A 21 year old girl, sitting next to her 27 year old boyfriend that has a 15 page rap sheet in the judiciary system. It’s 3am, hardly sober, and she’s preaching about her love for Jesus trying to get others around her on board, meanwhile taking another gulp of wine. Yep, that was this girl. Right here.
I always loved Jesus with a deep down passion. I felt him and saw him in between the glimpses of rough nights, rough relationships and insecurities. I saw him on my early mornings when the birds would fly in the sun and felt him through the pure love of my family. I felt his presence when I was lonely and I felt his promises in the dark. I knew it was him but I did nothing but talk about him. Don’t get me wrong, talking about Jesus is a good thing but how much power is packed in the words of a drunk girl?
I know God must have kept saying “C’mon Jill, take my hand, you’re so close!” But I kept missing it. I kept walking the walk of the world but loving Jesus in my heart. It doesn’t surprise me that His constant pursuit of me led to where I am now. But I also believe he had to let me fall again and again until I finally grabbed His hand for good. In those ten years there was a lot of harm done but boy was it worth it. Worth it because it got me to a place that I didn’t just talk about God, but I began to pursue him the way he pursued me for the first 29 years of my life. And once I started I couldn’t stop and I still can’t.
I look back now and think about all the sayings and songs that God put in my path. That was all part of his pursuit. All these sayings and songs came out between 2001-2003 when I was deeply hurting and going through what would mark the hardest point of my life so it’s no wonder they stuck with me. I needed them to. HE needed them to. In 2001, Vanilla Sky came out and Penelope Cruz delivered a line in the movie that said “every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.” Then there was a song that came out in 2003 called “More to Life” by Stacie Orrico. The lyrics said “there’s got to be more to life then chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me.’ I sang that song to the top of my lungs and it never left me. There’s many more but the point is that God knew how to speak to me. He spoke to me in a way that I would understand; through music, movies and people that impressed me. And because of finally recognizing His tireless pursuit of me, I wanted to and will always tirelessly pursue Him.
When I started walking with Him, the most amazing things happened. I wanted to live the way he wanted me to live. Everyday I simply asked him “how?” and everyday, without fail, he showed me. He showed me what to do in the big and little things. He showed me who, what and where was good for me and who, what and where was bad. I was willing and he was ready. I made big changes that came easy because it became so clear of what was right and what was wrong for me personally. I grew leaps and bounds but not without some stumbles. But even when I stumbled, he lifted me higher. If you knew where I was 5 years ago compared to today, you may not believe it. But when you walk with God, the impossible becomes possible.
What would God do with your life if you handed him your weaknesses and decided to ask Him when you woke up where he wanted you to go? What if you walked with Him everyday? Where would you be? Would your life change dramatically?
He is ready if you are willing.
Each time the Lord said to me “My grace is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.” So now I boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ can work through me. -2 Corinthians 12:9