Right Now I Hate Everything…Even Myself.


It’s been a few weeks since I’ve had the pleasure to sit down and type out my thoughts in blog form.  I tell myself it’s because I have my hands full, but if I’m being honest with myself, that’s not true. It’s because I feel, well,….stuck.

I know I’m not the only one out there experiencing these feelings that seem to keep me stuck.  Some days I want to shout from the rooftops and yell “HELP! IS ANYBODY OUT THERE!?”  And other days I just freeze up and stay in a somewhat numb state, telling myself “I can’t handle this anymore!” I start to sulk and play the victim with lines like “this was supposed to be such a wonderful, memorable time with my first born baby girl and it’s all so terrible!”

I’ve often taken on the attitude of “I hate everything.”…. “I hate the news. I hate the virus. I hate the masks. I hate social media. I hate the President. I hate Joe Biden. I hate conservatives. I hate liberals. I hate the world. I hate the movements. I hate what people think. In fact, I’m starting to hate people as a whole and even hate myself.”

This is SO uncharacteristic of me.  I love people. I love peace. I love joy. It’s where I thrive. And yet here I am, full of hate.  In times of uncertainty I’m supposed to turn to God (which I do in the morning and sometimes other times as well.)  But I’ve been turning to so many other things when my heart has gotten uncertain.

(There it is folks!)

I start turning to my phone, the news, social media etc. when I feel unsatisfied and there I find myself filling my mind with worthless garbage and then guess what comes out of me? Garbage!  It’s funny because I tell my kids that “what goes in must come out. So don’t fill your mind or your ears with crap TV and music.” And here I am, a full on hypocrite.

It’s this awful internal battle happening when I see what’s happening and I want to yell to people God’s truth (especially on social media) and I forget that some people just don’t want to hear it.

I learned a new verse this week, not just in reading but by experiencing. Oh isn’t that the most painful of all teachers? It says this…”Don’t give that which is holy to the dogs, neither throw your pearls before the pigs, lest perhaps they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” (Matthew 7:6.) Jesus appears to be warning his disciples to preach only before receptive audiences.

Ouch! My audience surely was NOT receptive. I threw my pearls of wisdom to pigs and boy did they tear me to pieces!  So not only was I already feeling burdened because of what we are experiencing, I then was burdened because of the persecution I received.

There’s a good lesson here.  I kept lying to myself… or maybe it was satan (still not sure.)  But basically I was fooling myself to believe that persecution comes with the territory of being a Christian, so I kept putting myself out there.  And while it is true, we will be persecuted for our faith, it doesn’t mean we preach to those that never wanted to hear it in the first place.  Jesus and his disciples spoke to those that came to them with an open heart, seeking answers. We can plant a seed but not a whole sermon unless it’s asked of us.

I pray that my failure leads to you not making the same mistake.  Learn from me.

So with this post, I vow to do better. I vow to fill up on what is good!! Those things that are really good for my soul.  Bible time and coffee. My babies giggles. Watering my garden. Calling a friend.  Facetiming my parents. Lighting a delicious candle and just sitting in my favorite space with a book.  Making a good salad. Doing an awesome workout. Taking a walk and looking at the birds and the flowers and trees.  Sitting outside at night starting at the moon and the stars…..

My soul needs this reminder: while we are in these uncertain times, there is one thing we can be certain of: “God is Good, ALL.THE.TIME!”

God bless you and keep you. May his face shine upon you and be gracious to you… as He is and has always been to me.


PS. If you are like me and you’re feeling a little more persecuted then normal then our next virtual study is the study for you. We will put on the “Armor of God.” We start this coming Monday the 10th.
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