I should never be in the driver’s seat of my own life. I know there’s so much positive and empowering authors out their right now basically telling people to “take your life back! It’s your life and you are in the drivers seat and you are enough!” But while all of that hype may “feel” good from a motivational stand point, no matter how many motivational books and quotes I read or how much personal development I listen to while I’m driving… I’m still NOT ENOUGH alone.
Let me break it down for you. I’ve been struggling. Struggling as a wife. Struggling as a mom. Struggling as a business owner and struggling most importantly as a Christian. I had this amazing bomb dropped into my life about 5 months ago who is the sweetest, most precious little boy you could ever dream of! I cry in moments just staring at him and the magnificence and miracle that he is. But there’s also a flip side to that. I don’t sleep. Half the time I have no idea what I’m doing as his mom. Google now freaks me out and I spend half the day (and night) staring at a monitor because fear gets the best of me.
And on top of that, I honestly have no idea how to be “myself” on most days because let’s face it- all I’m worried about is making sure this little human pooped the right amount of times, ate at the right times, and that my “utters” are still producing milk!
I’m struggling to make sure that I’m doing everything right for this human that is connected to me 24/7, that my husband is happy with who he picked as his wife, that my other three children love me, all while trying to figure out who I am now in this new role. And on top of it, I’m fighting tooth and nail to hang on to ME, selfishly, to be quite honest. Now that most of my time is spent on someone other then ME, I’m REALLY struggling.
I have been walking around at times stressed, negative, complaining, overwhelmed and pretty much angry when anyone asks me to do another thing. I’ve been hating what’s been coming out of my mouth some of the time and the attitude I walk around with half the time!
I told myself that I needed to get this done and that done so that I served God, my husband, my kids, my home and my business the “right way.” But everyday I’d tackle that to-do list with overwhelming stress and responding to all the people on that list with way less then the best of me. So, here I am, wanting to get this “to do list” done to be good for the same people I’m not being good to!
I kept trying to convince myself that I needed to strive and get up early and tackle this list to make sure I was getting everything out of life! And that I could do it because I convinced myself that I am great and powerful like all those motivational books say I am! But on the contrary, every night I went to bed thinking about how I “got that list done”, but I didn’t feel good in my soul.
I was hurting. I was struggling. And these days are supposed to be hard (I get that) but I’m not supposed to be angry doing them.
So I prayed.
“My yoke is easy, my burden is light.”
(I ignored hearing that verse in my thoughts.)
“My yoke is easy, my burden is light.”
I pushed it straight out of my thoughts again and kept pursuing things with gusto and to do lists like the books said to!
“Jill, I love you. My yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
After a few weeks I finally “heard it.” I had to hear him! I was done and I was TIRED!
“But what do you mean!?”
“When your doing things I’ve called you to do, the burden is light. So are you doing these things for you or for me? Are the things on your to do lists things that are obedient to what I’ve asked you to do or are these expectations and burdens that you have put on yourself?”
Truth be told, I never once let God design my day.
I never once sat at my notebook before I made my list and said “Ok God, what will you have me do today, where will you have me go and what will you have me say?” Nope. Not once did I ask for His thoughts. Yea I woke up every morning speaking to him and in His Word but I still never let any of it effect how my day was going to go. I drove the car full speed ahead without any second thoughts.
I was living my life checking boxes when all God wanted me to do was LIVE! He made it clear to me that he wanted me to “rest in my roles” and he would steer the ship! He is my captain, so why wasn’t I letting him navigate the rough waters? Because somewhere along the line I believed I was “enough.” Enough in my own power.
But I’m not.
I need Him. With every fiber of my being I need him to steer this ship and navigate these waves because He has the power and I do not without Him leading.
And you know what happened once I did?
Once I let him lead. Once I rested in His word and in my roles he showed me where to go. And that’s when things got “light.” Instead of being busy, I was productive. My soul felt good again.
He gets more done through me then I ever do on my own! His plan is so much greater then mine.
Don’t omit him. You can work so hard for something and only get so far. But if you’re doing it because God said so, you will be thrusted ahead with extraordinary power that only He can give.
“For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30 The Message (MSG)
28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”